CollegeBlows.com:Enemy of the Academic: Someone Actually Sent an Email

Enemy of the Academic

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Monday, November 10, 2003

Someone Actually Sent an Email

Posted at 2:26 AM
By: Brian [link]
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As per my Monday ritual, I am posting an email received in the past week.

From: Alex
Date: Wed Nov 5, 2003 3:19:23 AM America/New_York
To: brian[at]CollegeBlows.com
Subject: Some comments

Brian,

Well, I don't have anything particularly witty to say at this moment in time. I did want to say that I think you are funny as hell. I love reading your college updates - I graduated from college about 5 years ago and have since been experiencing some kind of ridiculous mid life crisis. At the moment, I am working on my masters in Education (just can't seem to get away from the damn institution) and eagerly await your updates so I might relive a little bit of my youth. So I'm living vicariously through you. Hope you don't mind. Love your pictures. Just wanted to let you know that someone out here enjoys your stuff. Keep up the good work.

Alex

How could I not post this one? I love tooting my own horn so much, that its sort of refreshing when someone else toots it for me. The only problem is that its almost impossible for me to make fun of this email without making fun of myself, and my ego won't allow that. So, I'm going to pretend that the email was from a guy named Lloyd who wanted to know what brand of toothpaste I use.

Dear Lloyd,

Is it really necessary for your name to have two L's at the beginning? In Spanish a double-L means it makes a "y" sound, but in English it means you got beat up a lot as a kid. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, what was wrong with your parents? I would ask if they smoked a lot of weed, but then your name would be something like, "Happiness," "Cloud," or "Jake." Maybe they really hate you?

Perhaps it was your parents, obviously the neglectful type, who screwed you up so much that you would feel it was necessary to know my preferred brand of toothpaste. If I answer, will you then enquire on my floss preference? I was never a fan of the Dentist, what with all his pokey-dealies and the damned fluoride treatments... and you are starting to sound a lot like a dentist.

I mean, how do you know I even brush my teeth? Being a little presumptuous, aren't we? Maybe I don't have teeth? You could have offended me -- it would have been like asking a retard who their favorite English metaphysical poet is, and American popular culture says that that one is a big no-no.

If you must know, however, usually I just steal my roommate's toothpaste, and his brush, for that matter. Hey, Rockefeller didn't get rich by spending money, you know what I mean? Anyway, he usually buys that stuff with the Listerine built into it. Its all convenient and whatever.

Lovingly,
Brian