I know that some of you just got REALLY excited at the prospect of something Pissing me off. As usual, when things really bother me, I like to express them in list form. Similar to the lists that I write weekly of different ways I'd like to hear CNN reporting on the death of Richard Simmons (but thats another post altogether).

So, in neat list form, here they are, the top 5 things that most piss me off about the University of Edinburgh:

#5: Dining Hall - Ok, now, there isn't a huge difference between the dining hall here and what you get back in the states. There's a load of shit food, and then a couple of standbys that sit out all day and fester so that by dinner on friday they're guaranteed to give you a case of the elephant-shits. Here, however, instead of the "eat-as-much-crap-as-you-can-before-this-place-closes-and-then-snag-whatever-fits-in-your-pocket-without-leaking-as-you-walk-out" system, this place has a points system.

So, like, cardboard-based-chicken-substitute in rat-sauce is 2 points, while a child-size Coca-Cola is 1 point, etc. The most amazing thing is that pasta itself, the part that makes you not hungry anymore, that costs 1 point, BUT, if you think you're getting away with something, you aren't, because the sauce costs 2 points. They also put corn on the pizza... Anyway, back on point -- you get 6 points as your maximum, and they actually have people check on this. You can't buy extra points, so you better spend them wisely. Good thing Guinness is filling.

#4: Maid Service - Having someone come in and clean up after my lazy ass is pretty damned sweet. I'll give you that. God knows I need someone to pick up after me. However, sometimes I just want to sleep in, damnit. You can't do that, however, when the "cleaner" -- can't call her a maid -- wants to bust in at 9:30 every morning. Goddamnit! I just want to skip class by sleeping in one day a week. That's all I'm asking. I mean I can skip class by going to the pub every other day, but once it would be nice to keep my lazy ass in bed.

#3: Lectures Starting on Time - Who do these people think they are? I mean, I know the lecture is supposed to start at 1pm, but in America, everyone is late, and then, once everyone is there we like to bullshit a little before we start learning. We do that to give the students an extra ten minutes to try and sober up.

#2: People with Goddamned Causes - I understand that you want me to try speed dating, or that you care very deeply about pollution, public transport, or the asian tsunami victims. You can't walk around campus without having flyers shoved in your face, or someone bugging you to donate to your cause.

Let me straighten this out for you: I am an American. I can't vote "yes" on your referendum, even if you give me a cupcake to do so, besides, I like smog, toughens the lungs, keeps them from pussying out on you. I don't want to try "speed dating," do I really look that desperate to you? I mean I really doubt my girlfriend would like that, besides, you all have really ugly teeth over here. And I REALLY don't want to donate to your tsunami relief fund, and I'll give you a few reasons why, dickwad:

- I am an American. My country may be rich, but I'm not. Furthermore, I already lost half of my money to your exchange rate so that I could be here.
- I did donate what I could afford to another, far more organized relief fund. There are exactly 689 THOUSAND tsunami relief funds in this country, why should I give a piss about yours?
- I almost felt bad about saying no to you until you were a complete prick about it. Way to score points by getting all up on my business, asshole. If I wanted to hear your opinion, I would have given you my money.

#1: The Music - For the most part, music is the same here as it is at home. However, there's this funny thing about the way people listen to it. You see, first, they take the shittiest song you can think of. Then, they play it as loud as possible. Then, when the song is over? They play it again. Rinse repeat. Maximum playlist length here is, I dunno, three songs. Lovely.

I want to smack them in the head with a hammer and take their speakers away for abusing their musical privileges.

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Tomorrow is the first installment of Brian Answers All! You can still send your questions in to: Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com. I'll answer them as they come in, in my own special style. In the meantime, why don't you click some of my Extra Good links?

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