Ok, once again I'm selling my soul for the sake of an easy update. Christmas is long gone, Jesus wore one of them pointy hats, and we all sang happy birthday, and now its time to forget he ever existed and participate in the old-fashioned pagan fun that is the celebration of New Years (the eve, specifically, as the day is comparatively bland -- I mean, what the fuck is a mummer anyway, and why the hell do they have a parade?).

So, amidst the drinking binge that will set the pace for all such binges for the next year, we all tend to throw around some promises, or resolutions. Usually, those are thrown out with the empty bottles on New Years day. Sometimes, however people were sober enough when they made the resolutions that they actually intend to try and carry them out. So, here are some tips for some of the more common resolutions:

1) Quit Smoking: I understand. I mean, you get into a swanky New York night club, and you're drinking champaign from a funnel. Its about one minute to midnight, and you feel like having a smoke, but the second you get the match lit, two 300 pound linebackers throw you out in the cold. Is there any good way to quit smoking though? Well, I have a plan: Soak a whole pack of cigarettes in bleach overnight. Then dry them out. The next time you feel like a smoke, its not going to be as pleasant as you remember. If you smoke a pack or more a day, you might want to try this one while standing outside the emergency room, because chances are, you're going to die.

2) Lose 10 Pounds: So, Chubs Magee, you want to lose a few? Make youself a little more appealing to the ladies (or gents)? Well, then I actually have a great diet that I heard about from Oprah. The secret is, to get a talk show and then make an assload of cash, then you can pay people to tell you that you're thin. Sweet, huh? If thats not good enough, you can always use the talk show money to get lipo, then hire a celebrity chef to pretend that the "low carb" cheese-steaks he makes you are the key to weightloss.

3) Save More Money: Well, lets ask my good friend Rodney the Jew how he does it:

Rodney:"I try not to spend any money. I've been wearing the same socks for ten years, I wear them every day. This sweater, looks spiffy right? I wove it myself from the dryer lint at the local Laundromat -- the owner even paid me to clear them out! Ten bucks, and some sweet duds. I don't date much, but when I do, why take the ladies out to prohibitively expensive French restaurants, I find its even a little "suggestive" to take them "south of the border," to Taco Bell. Oh, and I make them drive -- gas prices are ridiculous!"

4) Become A Better Person: What?! That is the shittiest resolution ever. Who would ever want to do that? Listen people, there is a lot of joy in being a self-serving prick. Don't believe the hype, Ghandi would've snagged himself a Big Mac while nobody was looking if he could have.

So there you have it. Everything is covered. Wrapped up all neat-like into a fine little package.

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