A New Christmas Story from the warped bastard behind CollegeBlows.com:

Like most sites this time of year, I'm going to write something about Christmas. Why? Its probably because of my hopes and dreams of one day selling out in favor of the easy life (like Tim Allen -- manly grunts and "ho ho ho" sound similar, right?). Anyway, where this diverges from every other lame-ass Christmas tale is that I'm not going to try and wow you with my ability to cram my wit down your throat by squeezing it into the form of some christmas song lyrics of a poem. No sir, just good old prose here.

It was many Christmases ago when this all went down, a college student came home for the holidays, a family gathered, it was your standard middle-class familial guilt-fest. We'll call this family the... uh... Jackson's.

Well, there was our hero, Andrew Jackson, home from college, but alas, he had to deal now with not just his immediate family; Little brother Mike and sister Janet, but also his father, Jermaine, mother, Latoya, and who can forget his evil uncle Tito?

You could hardly imagine a worse situation for old Andy. Spending an entire semester away from the asylum they called home, where he could drink beer and liquor and pretend that he had no family, and now, being dropped right back into his homelife, with the added stress of old Uncle Tito and company.

Andy was forced sober and forced to deal with his family. He wanted to explode, to punch each and every relative in the face. He dreamt of telling them all, "you wanna know what I got you for Christmas? A bloody nose! Now shut the fuck up and eat your goddamned figgy pudding." He knew however, that he couldn't. He needed an out, however, a savior to deliver him from the evil of family time.

He waited until after dinner, and as his family was quickly becoming lubricated by their yuletide beer and wine, Andy grabbed his good old friend Johnny Walker and found a cosy spot in the attic to pass out in. So, while his extended family sat arguing and insulting, as Uncle Tito and sister Janet prepare to drive forks into each other's eye, and as little Michael prepares to gingerly place his cousin's cat in the oven (a science experiment, I'm sure), our hero Andy hits the sauce, alone, in his attic, triumphant.

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This is another reminder that CollegeBlows.com is going abroad in January to Edinburgh Scotland. Because I can.
If any American college students would like to help out by providing the normal US tales of collegiate stupidity to this site for at least a semester, then send a short sample of what you can do over to Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com.

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