Alright, so at this point in everyone's semester, the freshmen will be JUST about depleted in the massive supply of hygiene products that their parents piled into their U-Haul to ensure that their beloved child would be able to wash themselves enough that they wouldn't smell the alcohol or marijuana on them when they came home.

Once this supply is depleted, the frosh has nowhere to turn. Caught between a rock and the $300 bar of soap from the "University Shoppe" (with an "e" for her pleasure). So, what are you to do? There's always improvisation...

Soap: Ok, we all saw fight club, soap is made of fat (grease) and that shit that burns you. We should be able to find both of these ingredients in the local dining hall. First locate one of the few tasty items available... STOP LOOKING AT THE SALAD BAR! Salad isn't tasty, its a last resort. I'm talking about the pizza slices and/or fried things (be they french or chicken...). Wring the grease out into a container of your choice. Now we need to add the burning shit - so, grab pretty much any of the normal dining options (bonus points if it is called "cajun" -- especially if your school is NOT in Louisianna). Place this in the container. Stir.. wait. In theory, this should become soap. You can thank me later.

Toothpaste: Toothpaste is a more difficult condiment to improvise. Nonetheless, I'll attempt to provide a recipe. First, take your favorite brand of mint; preferably Altoids or their more collegiately-priced knockoffs, although I don't see why Junior Mints can't also work. Crush up the mint. Add two-parts crushed mint to every one part scary-looking-dining-hall-tofu-vegetarian-gravy, and voila, minty-fresh toothpaste.

Laundry Detergent: You actually do your laundry? For shame! Just wear everything twice (second time inside out) until you can get home and have your mom do it for you. It'll make her feel important. The semester is almost over anyway, and with that sweet sweet soap you just made, nobody will be able to tell.

Toilet Paper: Most dorm-ridden students won't have to deal with this, but just in case, I do have a suggestion. You see, those notes you took in philosophy/history/communications/etc earlier in the semester... you don't really need them, and, well, notebook paper is probably flushable. Remember, it could be worse, I could be suggesting you use sandpaper. Delicious.

Ok, well, thats all for now.

---
Give me a christmas present and spread the word by clicking my "extra-good" links.

#|