Tonight, like any night, I have managed to slack off more than any human being should ever slack. I traded a semester full of spaced-out exams and late-nights studying for semester's-end projects when I slowly made my transition from science to communications. As such, it is expected by my professors that I would spread the work that goes into these projects out, over the length of the semester, such that I would have something to show for it now (with now meaning three weeks before the deadline. Such professors aren't very smart, are they?

So, for this one rare occasion, I am going to post a guide aimed at the rare professor who might actually read this site.

Rule #1: Students, unless they are lame-ass grade-whores, will never, ever, ever do anything you assign until the last possible moment before it is due. In many cases this means not only the night before the due date, but also the morning of it. Usually I do written work while skipping the class preceeding the one where it is due. If any student does "get a head start," then they obviously suck, and should be forced to listen to Michael Bolton, while scrubbing the turd-marks out of the toilet bowls in the freshman dorms.

Rule #2: If you send out an email before class starts, 90% of that class will claim to have not recieved your email. Regardless of what it says, pleading ignorance is a student's best friend. Simple reasoning being, no matter what you tell me to bring to class, or what assignment you want me to do, if I can say I didn't get the email, then it seems that I won't have to do it, now doesn't it. Additionally, I should clarify that 150% of all students who say they didn't recieve your email, really did get it.

Rule #3: Remember that book you wanted us to read? Sorry... didn't read it. It has a pretty cover though. I'm sure it is exactly as deep as you say it is, but I don't have as much free time as you'd think, once you factor in my love of alcohol and television. Also, those comments I made about it in class were complete B.S. and you are officially a tool for believing them. One last thing, nobody else read it -- even better, we'll write that paper on it without reading it either.

Rule #4: The more work you assign, the less you're students are going to do. You might as well make the assumption that all students are lazy bastards who won't under any circumstance do your work, because we are. If you assign anything to be done, you've got a 50/50 shot of it getting done. That increases to a 98% chance when you label it a midterm or final, because those sound important, and we'll all freak out and do it. The caveat is: you can only use that trick twice a semester. If you assign work beyond twice in a semester, you'll have a lot of free time on your hands, because couch-ridden students like myself are going to continue scratching themselves, watching that Facts of Life marathon on TBS, and wondering if Tootie was so small because Natalie ate her food. Its an interesting theory (it also explains why Tootie, while later appearing on the hit sitcom Living Single always wore a wig, it was due to malnourishment).

---
Click on some links.

I'd like to announce at this time, that as of next semester (meaning January 6th-ish), CollegeBlows.com is going abroad (meaning, I am going abroad) to Scotland for the spring semester. So, hopefully I'll manage to get a couple good stories about me fucking up in another country. Cross your fingers.

#|