With all this "Queer Eye" metrosexual crap being shoved down men's throats by their overbearing emasculating significant others, some men just don't know how to be men anymore. Today, I will explain the rules and proper procedures for this.

Rule #1: Men don't use skin care products. I don't care if you have dry skin, oily skin, ora giant pimple. For women there are about 37 thousand little liquid or creme filled bottles that can be purchased for $50 bucks a pop that cure these problems, for men it is much simpler, we have one -- a bar of Ivory soap, no fragrances, or girly "moisturizers," in fact, it'll barely clean you. As a man, if your skin isn't semi-reptilian in texture, you are doing it wrong.

Rule #2: Men don't style their hair. I'll concede on allowing you to use a comb once a day, but other than that, a real man won't give a damn. Men should never use anything that makes their ends un-split, or their hair less unkempt. If you have to look presentable then get a crew cut, otherwise, toss a hat on it and call it a day.

Rule #3: Men like sweatpants. Men should have no need to dress up for anything. Jeans are acceptable at all times. Additionally, men should wait as long as possible between washings. Men hate laundry, so an item can be worn until your strongest cologne no longer covers up the odor. Also, when doing laundry, whites can be washed in the same load as colors, and it is definitely unacceptable to make any sort of effort at stain-removal - if the machine can't remove it, then the stain was meant to be there. A real man considers a stain to be destiny.

Rule #4: Men have gas. Men will never hold back or apologize for their gaseous emissions. Burps and farts can go unannounced, and are in fact to be applauded by other men, for loudness and perhaps also stench. While unpleasant, a real man will always take credit for a particularly rancid fart, as it surely asserts his dominance over males who don't eat as much meat.

Which brings us to:

Rule #5: Men like to eat meat. Knowing that a cute little animal died to make your dinner tastier is one of those things that can make a man remember why life is good. Men not only like meat, but we like it as close to raw as possible, however, not entirely raw, because men also love fire, and therefore we must join our two passions in what is known as a barbecue.

So there you have it, the rules for how to be more manly. Soon me and my army of sweat-stained-wifebeater-wearing manly men will move in to deprogram those poor souls whose "Queer Eye" watching girlfriends have brainwashed into metrosexuality.

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