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Good 'Ole 2003

Posted at 2:08 AM
By: Brian [link]
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Its about that time again, when you have to buy a new calendar, and probably a new extra-large bottle of aspirin. Its a fun time of year, because the year is finally over -- and for most of us, this year sucked anyway. From top to bottom, not too many of us had a good one, Bill Gates is out another $10 billion, Michael Jackson has to stop molesting little kids, and that homeless man who lives at the corner of 42nd and 5th realized that one of the bigger bums stole his pants right before it snowed.

Regardless, things are looking up for next year. Bill Gates has new software out that steals candy from children, that homeless man will make record earnings now that his legs and testicles have been amputated, and Michael Jackson... well, we can't all be winners.

It is this time of year that every television station reminds us to look back at the year gone by (we are supposed to do that while watching a 24-hour Honeymooners marathon, btw). In order to compete with the "big boys" I too have decided to take a look back at the happenings of this past year:

1) Priests were "pulling a Jackson" - and not a Tito (and by that I mean, being forgotten), no sir, there was that big scandal with the priests trying to get it on with some young lads. What with the celibacy and all, those crazy priests all got together, in a sex-deprived haze, and concocted some crazy rule that altar-boys don't count. Then people found out, and all of the priests were transferred to Arizona, where nobody cares. The end.

2) We had a little war - America and its British allies took a little trip to Baghdad. Lots of people died, and we learned all about it from great "embedded" reporters, like Geraldo Rivera, who managed to broadcast top secret American troop positions to the world. Anyway, I'm not sure who won that one, I kind of got bored after they kicked Geraldo out of Iraq.

3) The Episcopal Church names a gay bishop - I always thought those bishops were a little off back in my chess days, but now I have proof! After the whole crazy Catholic-deal, you'd think that the Episcopals would have held off on this one, but you know how those crazy bishops can get -- all show-boaty with their funny burger-king hats and golden pimp-sticks.

4) NBC started doing Queer makeovers - Now any old shlub can look "absolutely fabulous darling!" The surprise hit TV show pits normal, grungy, sweat-pants wearing men, against four, or maybe five gay dudes. They fight to the death and if the gay men can KO the straight dude, they dress him up in some crazy outfit and drag him out to a gay bar. Each episode concludes with the straight man being picked up by a guy named "Bubba" who just got out of San Quentin and wants to relive the "good-old days."

5) And you thought fights only happened in Hockey - Baseball fights are always bigger, badder, and older than fights that take place in any other sport. When the Yankees play the Red Sox, there is always some drama, but when the Red Sox's World Series hopes rely on them beating the Yankees, and you've got two crazy-ass mofo's pitching in Boston, all hell is going to break loose. Like, for example, a large, portly, older gent charging out of the dugout to attack the opposing pitcher, or perhaps two players beating up a member of the grounds crew. Baseball has never gotten these kinds of ratings. Its like Jerry Springer on grass.

6) We made like Pokemon and got them all - The Hussein family, that is. With his two son's dead, Saddam eventually climbed out of his spider-hole and surrendered himself to a whole bunch of guys who really would have rather shot him. Regardless, when asked what he plans to do now, Saddam told the media, "I'm going to Disney World! Then I will call the Franklin Mint about issuing a special addition Uday memorial plate set."

All of that was followed and/or preceded by some other shit that was probably not nearly as important as the fact that I changed my major three times this year. Yes, thats right, three times, in fact, depending on how you might want to look at it, it may have even been four times. Which has got to be some sort of collegiate record.

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For those of you in need of a good resolution, here are a few suggestions for you. Happy New Year

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