Ok, I admit it. Its creeping up on 4am, and I am sitting here, eating Cheetos - damn that Chester Cheetah - and surfing the Internet. Now that the pathetic scene has been set up for you, you'll also be happy to learn that I've been thinking about finals, and for your sake, I've got some study tips for you*.

1) Wait until the absolute last minute - studying ahead of time is a waste, its time that you could be doing other things, like drinking, doing drugs (if that's your thing), or you could crazy glue everything in your RA's room to the ceiling - something like that.

2) Smoke your books - it's a new study method I came up with. The idea is that by rolling a history-doobie, you can literally absorb the French Revolution! Through your lungs!

3) Make a top ten list - everyone loves top ten lists, and everyone is desperate to procrastinate, so why the hell not. Eh, and the counting will help you with math.... probably.

4) Instead of studying, watch a movie - and after the movie is over, watch another. In fact, don't even bother with sleeping, just keep watching until exam time!

5) Play naked Twister - this will help you study for anatomy and/or human sexuality classes. Its multi-purpose. And fun.

6) Have a beer bong race - this will help you learn about... uh... geography, as you walk back home from wherever that strange place you ended up last night was. Also, if you are pre-med, you could learn a thing or two about infectious diseases... "so THATS what gonorrhea is like!"

7) Send death threats to your professors - bet you don't feel so bad about getting figuratively raped on that differential equations exam now do you? Especially since your professor was wearing a bullet proof vest, and spent the entire exam period in the corner, crouching in a fetal position...

8) Try to have sex with someone out of your league - if you succeed it might give you enough "positive energy" to ace the test. Even if it doesn't, how can you be depressed after something like that. Also, if you fail, she or he was out of your league anyway.

9) Learn to use a graphing calculator - that little TI-83 is your best friend, especially when you realize that it can store a lot more than numbers in memory. Don't think that because you are an English major that you can't find a reason to use a calculator - just say you are using a mathematical interpretation of Shakespeare's rhyme scheme to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he was in fact a Frenchman... the professor will leave you alone after that excuse, trust me.

10) Asian students are smart - sit near an asian student and copy off of them. Unless they were actually born in asia and you are in an English exam - thats a bad call. But if it is math or science, then giddy-up... and ride that tsunami all the way to academic Tokyo, or something.

This is the "Columbia Method" to studying courtesy of Gregg"

1.PANIC!

2. masturbate to relieve stress

3. fall asleep

4. do something that's not studying ie watching tv

5. more masturbation

6. eat

7. open your book

8. pretend to read in front of your peers

9. ask people to tell you what you need to know for the exam

10. watch porn

* don't seriously take my advice, ever

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