The following story was told to me in person. For concealed-identity reasons, the protagonist will be known as Hootie McRooterstein, or just Hootie for short.

SO ANYWAY, Hootie was a freshman (for lack of the accurate term) at the Merchant Marine Academy - yeah they have one, stunned the shit out of me to hear that.

He was dating/boning/whichever this fellow freshman for a good chunk of the year, and because of this was missing out on good "chillin' with the guys" time. This of course would cause constant teasing from his friends, because its funny to call other guy's whipped. Anyway, he spoke to his girlfriend, and after what was probably some decent 'splainin', they agreed to spend one weekend without seeing each other.

This meant that he would be partying with the gents - and since him and his friends didn't do this too often, he decided to make the most of it - and drank until he puked himself sober -- and then he got drunk again.

His friends, realizing that he had chemically induced a state of retardation, decided to take him back to his room and get him to bed. This of course was against his will -- which would be obvious anyway, because we all know that retards don't like to go to bed when there is more drinkin' to be done. Eventually though, the friends left, assuming that he was going to sleep for the night.

Hootie was no normal freshman drunkard, oh no, after his friends left, he got his "second-wind" and headed out again. Without a semi-sober friend to lead him to the promised land of open kegs and Wild Turkey, he returned to his usual routine; he headed over to the female barracks to see his girlfriend.

This is where the story gets fun

You see, when Hootie got to his woman's room, all he saw was a very much sleeping girl. However, as is often the case, alcohol gave him the power to think of a solution to his problem. Seeing as how he was at a military school, he grabbed the nearest object -- a rifle -- and proceeded to poke her with it.

After she pissed her pants, screamed, and yelled obscenities of the sort that the average human cannot comprehend, she instructed Hootie to put the gun down. At which point, he began to disrobe, or undress, for the English-speaking readers. At the point he was completely buck-ass naked, he began to climb into bed -- this resulted in more screaming and obscenities.

Then, right as all of this is going on... his girlfriend walked in...

He had a LOT of explaining to do for that one, but seeing as how he was drunk, she just called his friends who took him back to his room. Of course, he refused to put his clothes back on, so they walked him back wearing his girlfriend's frilly pink bathrobe.

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Send in your "Drunken December" stories. They don't have to take place in December, but they do have to involve a drunk person. If you've got one, then send it to Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com

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