Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (Chanukkah?), Feliz Navidad, Happy Kwanzaa and Auld Lang Syne. I think I got everyone in there, but if you are Shinto or something and I missed your holiday, please assume that I would like you to have a nice one of those anyway.

It is a special time of year, when all of the major, and some of the minor world religions all sat down and agreed to make their major family/gift-giving holidays. I don't know much about the other holidays, other than the fact that most Kwanzaa celebrators have a really interesting nick-name for me -- "Cracker" -- whatever that means. Despite my lack of outside knowledge, I have years of experience with the Christmas tradition, and tonight, I am going to help you to deal with it as well.

The first thing to remember about Christmas is that little kids still think Santa is real. They also don't know what sex is -- so don't say that Santa is "boning Mrs. Claus," trust me when I tell you that the follow-up questions to that are a little uncomfortable to be explaining to a 3-year-old. Anyway, these little tykes believe in Santa, its fun for them -- for you its a meaningless lie, but resist the urge to set them straight (or worse, tell them that Santa is dead) because you are in a bad mood after Uncle Felix is yammering on about how his Timmy is Pre-Med at Johns Hopkins. A better way to deal with your frustration is to get cousin Timmy skanky-drunk and take pictures of him in a compromising position; preferably one involving farm animals or a transvestite with a five o'clock shadow. Having a Merry Christmas yet?

Ok, so your relatives get on your nerves, but we can solve that problem with an appropriate dosage of your "medication." What about your relatives' significant others? You know, the ones they are always dragging around with them to family gatherings, desperately trying to make someone jealous, but fail to realize that everyone hates their boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, the solution to this is very simple, since your family all hates the offending boyfriend or girlfriend, and they are all drinking to take the edge off one another, just incite them to form a lynch mob. Nothing brings a family together at the holidays like a nice good lynching.

Now, since every time your family gets together, everyone has to brag about their accomplishments, or the accomplishments of their daughter/son/eunuch/castratus, and since your greatest accomplishment was polishing off that handle of Wild Turkey before noon on Homecoming weekend, you're going to have to come up with something a tad better to tell people. Its time to get creative, the lie you tell can't be too obviously fake -- they would already know it if you starred in the latest Lord of the Rings. That said, they won't know you are faking it if you claim to have saved a woman's life in the Subway by fighting off 10 assailants Bruce Lee-style. Claim you are on your College's Championship water polo team -- nobody follows collegiate water polo, but everybody loves a champion. You can also pretend that your part-time job at Subway is really a corporate co-op; tell them all that you work with the CEO, and he says you are "executive material."

So, let me summarize the major points:

1) Don't talk to little kids about sex
2) Your Uncle will shut up when he finds out that his kid is gay
3) Don't deal with annoying non-relatives -- attack them with pitchforks
4) Lie through your teeth to make your relatives feel small
5) Always tell believable lies.

that's really all there is to know to be prepared for the holidays. I mean, everything else is just common sense; for example, if someone gets you a more expensive gift than you got them, then they lose -- common sense in action. So to everyone taking the time to read this, have a great holiday of your choice. Unless you celebrate Maidyarem Gahanbar -- that crazy Zoroastrian holiday --- because that's just weird.*

---
If you notice, to the right of the page, there is now a new section of links up there, consisting of links to sites that are under some form of agreement to link back to my site, so please click those puppies often, it costs you nothing, they are (mostly) good sites, and it hooks me up. Also, feel free to toss me an email at Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com and you can see your email all up on this site. Its a sweet deal -- I swear it.

*before the lawyers attack me: Just kidding, have a happy Maidyarem Gahanbar

#|