Christmas is over, presents were given, and now we can all look forward to New Years. So stop drinking to escape and start drinking to enhance.

New Years is a holiday designed for a drinking binge, as if it were conceived by college students. Unlike the other holidays that through the millennia have become tarnished by the rise of Christianity and family values, New Years, despite Dick Clark's meddling, has remained largely true to its Pagan roots. It's a holiday where we celebrate the revolution of the earth around the sun, and we do it by drinking until we can't remember for shit, and watching a shiny ball fall down a flag-poll.

Neanderthal glory, it makes me want to stand by a lit camp fire and grunt for a half-hour, but then again, who can stand after three bottles of champagne? I guess I can still grunt, but a fire might be a tad, eh, dangerous.

After the celebration, I will be heading to Puerto Rico for one week. Now, in the most technical sense, Puerto Rico is American territory -- you don't need a passport to enter from the US -- even so, it is extraordinarily different, for example, the drinking and gambling age happens to be 18, which means that I don't need to ask someone else to get me beer, and I don't need to lie to hit the blackjack table.

There is a tiny problem with this plan, however: I need to get on a plane. Now, I'm not afraid of flying, the problem with flying occurs before you even get on the plane. There is a whole load of trouble going through airport security, and for good reason -- but hey, do we really need to screen everybody? I mean, come on now, I know I don't look Middle Eastern -- I look more like a bar of ivory soap than an Arab , and hell, I was raised Catholic, I'm about as far from a terrorist as you can get.

The whole system is messed up. We still have more people down in Texas trying to keep the Mexicans out than we do stopping the terrorists from getting in. And who is really the bigger danger? A poor guy from Mexico who comes to America in the trunk of a Chevy Malibu and wants to cut your lawn, or a guy from Saudi Arabia, who comes here on a 747 and wants to go to flight school?

Anyway, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. If you took my advice, then you are probably still sane.

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