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Drunken December Starts NOW!
Posted at 11:44 PM
By:
Brian [link] Email This Post
I am aware of the tuesday-ness, but since I didn't post an email yesterday, and I got a good one during the week, I figured, "why not?" This one comes from Robin, who tells a mean story about drinkin'.
From: Robin<***@westerncollege.com>
Date: Tue Nov 18, 2003 4:22:55 PM America/New_York
To: brian[at]collegeblows.com
Subject: Favorite College Experiences
Brian,
I think it would be great if you could get people to send in stories of the first time they got wasted in college. Mine was pretty funny (well, to me anyway), although I doubt it could make it quite as funny asmost of your posts. Here goes:
One of the best things about being a female in college is free beer. Let me be a little more specific. At my particular school the fraternities regularly have huge parties that require a ticket which usually comes with a t-shirt, mug or some other small token. The cost can be anywhere from $5-$20 depending on the item and size of the party. As you might imagine this can add up. Your average student can spend over $100 a month on attending parties alone. Not to mention post party food to sober up and next day hangover cures, a students monthly social budget could climb into the hundreds of dollars. How can one avoid such preposterous fees? Easy. That is, if you happen to have breasts. Being a freshman also further reduces outrageous party costs. This phenomenon is commonly known as the "fresh meat" factor and may reduce your costs by as much as 25%. If you have been around for a while there are still ways to lower you monthly social charges (and I don't mean by going to the free clinic), but I digress.
The first time I ever got wasted in college (and the first time I ever got rip roaring drunk, ever) was the second weekend of regular classes. A bunch of girls from my dorm decided to go to a frat party across the small levee from our dorm room. My mission: to get wasted. My friends and I made our way to the front gate of the party and I was a little nervous as we had not paid and I knew we would not be on "the list." Miriam, the leader of our small group did the talking and in no time we were in. I was anxious to start my mission and soon found the alcohol distribution station. Unfortunately for me they were out of "jungle juice" leaving me to the highly regarded "Natty Ice." I am one of those girls who hates beer, I can't even bring myself to take two sips. Naturally this was a serious hitch in my plans for the evening, but a promise is a promise.
I did not let the nasty taste of cheap beer deter me from my mission. My solution: to drink the beer as fast as possible in order to get the desired effect. I did so without the aid of a beer bong or the shotgun method, what can I tell you I went to a Catholic all girls HS. I managed to get down 6 beers in under 30 minutes, a feat I am still proud of to this day. I thought that would be enough to get me buzzed at least and if it didn't do the trick I would return for more. I made my way to the dance floor and had a good time dancing with my friends. There are numerous sub-plots to this story which I won't go into here but one important factor was me asking my roommate to stay close by in case I wasn't able to get myself home. As it turned out, she hooked up with some random guy that night and left me to my own devices. The shirt I let her borrow was later burned.
I was having a great time and starting to get drunk when I felt the urge to use the restroom for what felt like the fourth time in an hour. Due to the size of the party there were portable bathrooms. I entered one of these smelly confinements and when I stood up to exit I found myself banging into the sides of the walls. It must have been hilarious to see from the exterior, a huge commotion in the port-a-potty followed by a drunken exit of some girl who could barely walk. It was then that I decided that I should probably go back to my dorm and I spent nearly a half an hour searching for my damn roommate. I must have asked the same poor girl about four times if she had seen my roommate, Becky.
Pissed and drunk I made my exit and as I was leaving one of the Frat bro's asked me if I needed someone to walk me home. He couldn't leave his post at the gate, but as it turned out the next two people leaving were guys from my dorm. We made our way up the small hill to the levee and I swore that I was going to fall down the side into the large creek. The small path on top of the levee was divided by a line for bike traffic so I decided to follow that line so I wouldn't kill myself by drowning. I tried to carry on a conversation with the guys, but I doubt that my drunken ramblings made any sense.
We made it to the dorm without incident and as it turns out the guys were my next door neighbors. I changed my clothes and went right to bed only to find myself having to use the restroom yet again. My room just happened to be as far away as physically possible from the women's bathroom. In hind sight I could have used the men's which was only a few doors down, but I am glad I didn't and you will see why. I exited my room and promptly ran into the wall. I began to make my way down the long hall bumping into one side of the hall, readjusting and immediately bumping into the other side of the hall. I continued this method until I reached the bathroom without anyone seeing me (that I know of) and was relieved when I reached my final destination.
Then I had a problem. I couldn't unbutton my shorts. "What the hell is going on?" I wondered. After struggling with my shorts for a few minutes I discovered that they were on inside out. How I managed to zip and button them inside out in my drunken stupor still amazes me. Just then (here comes the gross part) I felt the urge to puke, and I did, all over the bathroom floor. That's right, I was one of those b*tches who puked on the bathroom floor and left it there for you to find the next morning. I felt a little better and made my way back to my room running into the walls feeling like a human ping pong ball all the way. I returned to bed and felt the urge to puke again and I actually made it to the garbage can this time. I spent the rest of the night leaning against the wall puking my guts out. I was mercilessly interrupted by the people in my hall who kept asking if they could use my car. Bastards, didn't they know I was miserable?
My roommate came back the next morning and I had the worst hangover of my life, so there was no use yelling at her as it would have made me feel even worse. Plus she got lucky and I hate the game, not the player. So ends the first and last time I ever drank beer. The moral of the story...make sure your first time is memorable. Some of my female friends have truly great stories like doing cartwheels down the hall in a skirt with no underwear. The best has to be a friend of mine peeing in her neighbors garbage can mistaking it for the bathroom. Her neighbors were guys, and they were awakened by her entering the room.
Robin
Wow, that was long. For my response:
Robin,
I love your story, because it illustrates a few of the finer points of college-drinking-culture, they are as follows:
1) Anything with tits drinks for free.
2) Girls generally hate beer, but will drink it if you make them
3) Someone always makes a mess in the bathroom, or maybe the stairwell, someone else's bed, the front of a Wawa (convenience store) with four cops inside...
4) Drunk people do stupid shit.
Now, as for your roommate - I don't know if she is still your roommate, but she sucks. Thats just a general rule about roommates however, they all suck. At least, I have no problem finding fault with anyone I share a room with.
As for yourself, since you didn't end the story by having sex with the owner/operator of a College-themed humor website, I really don't think I'll be inviting you to any of my parties. Oh, you are still cool though -- like the love child of the Fonz and a Maytag refrigerator.
Love,
Brian.
Brian's Dad's Hangover Cure:
1)Drink LOTS of water. Like gallons
2) Take Vitamin C - approx 1000mg
3) Coffee does jack shit. Drink more water.
4) Tums for the upset stomach
5) Take it like a man, you wuss, or stop drinking
---
If you want your email to appear here on a monday, then send it to:
Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com. And don't forget that the theme for the month is "Drunken December," so stories about your first time getting extraordinarily trashed at school are appreciated.
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.
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