This is about the time of year that high school seniors are working on their college applications. After hearing that my sister was already proofreading my cousin's essays, I thought back on my own experiences applying to college.

The essay topic that practically every school asks for is some variation on, "what the hell have you been doing for four years?" The answer to that question, is an important one, it determines if you are accepted, rejected, or permanently banned from a campus.

Most people see that question and answer it with some degree of honesty, perhaps embellishing the facts, or at least using words, such as "perseverance" and "hard work" to make their tragic loss in a wiffle-ball tournament seem like it was the 1980 US Olympic hockey team's miraculous victory. I, however, realized that the best I could come up with was my most excellent ability to eat an entire bag of Cheetos and a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper in a single sitting. So, for my essay, I lied. A lot. Quite blatantly, I might add.

Remember Rick Allen, of the band Def Leppard? He was the drummer who only had one arm... It seems that I somehow managed to teach him how to play the drums with his feet. He was pretty grateful too, apparently, but not grateful enough to corroborate my story -- the bastard.

Oh, and that Betamax VCR your grandmother has? Yep, that was me too. In my infancy, it seems, I was an excellent electrical engineer. Too bad it didn't catch on, huh, maybe I could've been so rich I wouldn't have needed to go to college.

I believe I also defeated Hulk Hogan in a no-holds-barred wrestling match, but not before I defused an international incident between Japan and North Korea. God, I was good.

You see, my accomplishments, as fake as they may have been, made for a far more compelling read than your average essay. Who cares that your basketball team won the State Championship? I'm glad you learned that hard work and perseverance are so important, but I taught Andrea Bocelli to sing, and read music in braile. Even stodgy academic types would have to love a veritable Forrest Gump.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there really is no reason to accomplish anything in high school, when a jackass like me can make up a bunch of blatant lies and get in anyway.

Here's one final hint: Get some compromising photographs of someone on the admissions committee -- that sort of shit is gold.

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Email Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com and have your email answered on Monday morning. Its kind of like Strong Bad but not as funny.

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