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My Nose Is About to Go on Strike

Posted at 1:25 AM
By: Brian [link]
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Well, I'm feeling lazy tonight, so here is something that I wrote previously but never posted in hopes that I could get it published. As usual, editors completely ignored me. I didn't even get a "wow you suck."

What’s that smell? It’s horrible; it’s as if some animal walked into the room, took a crap, threw up, killed another animal, worked up a really good sweat, got sprayed by a skunk and then died. If I hadn’t just looked everywhere for the carcass, I would probably swear that what I had just described was in fact the culprit, but I know better. I think I’m going to have to bring in the bloodhounds to pinpoint the origin of this stank.

While the smell itself is unprecedented in its awfulness, I think the real mystery lies firmly in the curious question of why my roommate has yet to say a thing about it. Perhaps he is waiting for me to say something, but no way am I going to be foolish enough to allow him to invoke the most ancient of stench rules on me. “And the Lord said, ‘Whoever hath smelt it, surely hath dealt it.’” Once someone else has spoken up, perhaps then I can shout “doorknob!” and proceed to indict that odoriferous interloper with the almost-as-ancient rule of, “whoever denied it supplied it.” Until then, however, it seems I must work harder to avoid further corrupting my nostrils with this most inhumane of olfactory incidents.

The makeshift shirt-filter often works well in a friendly-fire stench incident. This effect is generated by pulling the collar of one’s shirt (preferably the ‘T’ kind) over one’s mouth and nose. While the effect is by no means a perfect solution, many of your lighter stenches can be effectively combated with this unusual take on the classic gas mask,

Of course some people simply like to hold their noses, in the well-known “pee-yoo” gesture, or even to leave their nasal passageways unblocked, while consciously mouth-breathing. While this method effectively blocks the olfactory from sensing the stink, it has its flaws. For example, the whole idea of allowing the offending stank-particles to enter your mouth is somewhat abhorrent, don’t you think? If I wanted that stuff in my mouth, I would get down on my hands and knees and join my dog when he drinks from the toilet – which I am sure he only does for convenience, and not for flavor, although that spicy chili-cheese wrap I had the other day probably gave it a nice “zing.”

Some people attempt to fan away the smell with their hand, or perhaps a small book or piece of paper. In your average close-quarters farting incident, the fanning maneuver is extremely effective, but at this point, the stench has filled all corners of this room, and doesn’t seem to dissipate quite as easily as an ordinary S.B.D. (silent but deadly, for the uninformed). In layman’s terms, this smell calls for extraordinary measures.

Phase one of the cleanup is to eliminate the possibility of spoiled food, or perhaps smelly garbage, both must be eliminated. Now, the next step would be your general “cleaning up” of the living space, this step conflicts with your ability to live a sedentary lifestyle, so I recommend a simple yet effective alternative – purchase a bottle of Febreeze and coat everything thoroughly. Additionally you can skip most of the personal hygiene portion of the cleanup by spraying yourself and your roommate with a fair amount of the same product.

Of course, nothing will work better than simply walking over to your roommate, as I am preparing to do, and simply telling him, “dude, you smell like you just spent a week in a horse’s ass, please take a freakin’ shower more often than never you dirty piece of…” Sure, it might not be the most diplomatic method, but it is easy and effective, and so what if I piss him off? Maybe I’ll get a new roommate that doesn’t smell so bad.

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