When you are a baby, you probably take you’re fair share of naps; same story once you are past your prime. Perhaps this is the only thing that a college student has in common with the very old or young. While those other two groups take their naps for physical reasons, the student naps for scheduling reasons.

You signed up for that 8:30am class because the Professor has a reputation for being an easy grader. Maybe you had no other choice but to wake up early, you NEED that class… We’ve all been there, and we all know that you can never get enough sleep when you have to wake up before noon. Why? Because all of the good shit happens at night. Sure, you could go to bed at 11 and still get 8 hours, but then you would miss out.

So what do you miss after 11? Alcohol, sex, perhaps even drugs. Maybe and your friends have plans to put fake dog poop in all of the freshman halls’ shower stalls. Hell, you may even be motivated to use REAL poop! Whatever it is, though, it can’t be done at 2:00pm, that’s for sure.

Because of this, a student must turn to the afternoon nap to provide a sufficient amount of sleep to power their late-night antics. Seeing as how CollegeBlows.com has become the favorite collegiate website of about 5 people, I feel it is my duty to provide a simple how-to guide for the afternoon nap:

1) Choose a location: Most people are going to choose their own beds, but the daring might choose to sleep in a more interesting locale. For example, last week I napped in a dumpster outside the freshman dorms – or maybe I was passed out… either way, the point is, that compared to the dorm mattresses, those trash bags were pretty comfortable.

2) Get Rid of Distractions: Turn off the TV, lockout your roommate (don’t forget to bribe the RA!), and threaten to kill your obnoxious neighbors if they play that damned Sean Paul song again at full volume with their fucking subwoofer on. They will take you more seriously if you are brandishing a prison-style shank and making your “crazy eyes”

3) Get Comfy: Unless you sleep in your clothes (and more power to you if you do, you fucking hobo…), you’ll want to go ahead and change into something more comfortable. Perhaps this is a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, your favorite pajamas, or if you are like me, you sleep in full nude splendor! Ok, so maybe it isn’t exactly splendor… but well… it is… eh… drafty?

4) Close Your Eyes: Ok, I know it didn’t work out too well the last time some guy told you to do this, but I promise I’ll be nice… It’s all part of the process. Yeah, I know he said that too… alright, screw it, do what you like, I can’t dig this bullet point out of the gutter…

5) Set Your Alarm: God forbid you sleep through dinner, or beer. Set your alarm clock to wake you up, or have someone else wake you up. Careful who you ask though, because all too many of us have been woken up to the startling splash of a bucketful of ice-cold water.

6) Think Happy Thoughts: Thinking happy thoughts will help you get to sleep, and will, in theory help you to avoid a nightmare. Thanks to our friends at Miramax studios we all know that Freddy Kruger comes to kill you in your nightmares. Although, maybe you have to live on Elm Street for that…

Thanks to CollegeBlows.com you now know the proper naptime procedures. Be sure to print this out and refer to it before commencing any afternoon sleep activities. Some of my friends even keep a copy in their pocket at all times to refer to in nap-emergencies.

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