I almost forgot to take my medicine today. No, I’m not on Zoloft, Ritalin or even Viagra, when I say medicine, I mean my beer. Beer is just short of a panacea, while it can’t cure cancer, AIDS or SARS, beer cures all of your social phobias, sexual dysfunction, and ADD.

“ADD, how can beer cure ADD”

Simple, beer cures ADD by making you forget about the fact that you can’t concentrate on your studies. So what it doesn’t exactly counter the effects of ADD, its all a crock anyway, you are just lazy and want to party, so give the fuck in already.

Can’t sleep? Beer can also fill in for your Nyquil in a pinch. Drink enough of it and you will definitely be ready for a solid nap.

Hungry? As long as you aren’t drinking light beer, it is plenty filling.

Don’t even think about taking Tylenol while you’ve got your beer around, both will destroy your liver, so why not have a little fun while doing it? Of course, you’ll have to drink a few beers before the pain goes away, but trust me, it will. Hell, you might even want to verify the painkilling properties of beer by starting fights or jumping from high places unprotected, feel anything? No? Well, don’t forget to drink your next dose, because once you sober up… you are going to feel it like a prison bitch at 3am.

Having now discovered the curative properties of my favorite beverage, I hope you all forgo your next doctor’s appointment and instead begin to practice self medication.

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