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Utopian Dream Worlds

Posted at 5:27 AM
By: Brian [link]
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Buy Viagra Online Now! Enlarge your Penis 3+ inches! Nigerians want to give ME $20 million! The excitement of opening your email every day is 50% anticipation of the forwarded bad jokes from friends and family, and 80% the sheer exhilaration that is associated with these great offers we all regularly receive.

Pejoratively referred to as “spam,” these emails could potentially hold the key to a greater society. Imagine a society where everyone has a massive Viagra-hardened penis, even women (that’s right ladies, no more penis-envy!) – a society where we are all swimming in Nigerian wealth – and if you still aren’t making enough money, Bill Gates will send you $100 every time you forward his email. Additionally poor little retarded Timmy will get the medical attention he needs, thanks to the good works of thousands of email users forwarding his sob story to each other.

On the same note, I have to wonder how KinkyHotSex4U6969 got my AIM screenname, and why she seems so interested in having me visit her website. I keep getting instant messages from her telling me about her webcam and her new pictures. She sounds like she thinks she knows me. I wonder who she could be?

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In one of my recent posts I discussed my search for a suitable religion. After much consideration, and a thoroughly entertaining conversation with a bartender, my search has finally come to a conclusion.

So, you are probably wondering, “hey Brian, what religion did you pick?” Well, take a minute to yourself and speculate. Could it be Sikhism? Please let it be Sikhism!!!

Sorry to disappoint my loyal contingent of Sikh fans, but I have instead opted to follow in the footsteps of Homer Jay Simpson and form my own religion. In the words of Scientology’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, “Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous, if a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way to do it would be start his own religion.” Much like the Catholic Church before him, L. Ron landed upon a goldmine, he founded a religion that demanded payments of up to $20,000 a pop for “dianetics.” My religion will be similar, but will also provide its subscribers with a multitude of benefits for their money,

In “Brianology” it will be pretty difficult to piss of the “gods” sufficiently to warrant a stay in hell. The following actions would be considered “mortal sins” however:

1) Failing to pay your tithe to the church
2) Failing to invest in a daily hygiene regimen
3) Waking up before 10 AM
4) And exposing the massive fraud being perpetrated by this religion and its “clergy”

Far from the strict overbearing rules of other religions, Brianology provides the true believer with only four easy to follow commandments. Additionally tithes can be paid in a lump sum or through our easy-pay system – only $19.95 per month until you die!

Going to church becoming a chore? Brianology can fix that! A prayer service in our religion opens with the chugging of the sacramental beer, this practice represents our liberation from burdens. Following this is the playing of the overly loud music, and the procession of the drunken hook-ups. The service closes with the ceremonial puking. Remember, unlike other religions, we Brianologists hold services every day.

Forming my own religion for fun and profit! I never thought I would see the day that I became a man of the cloth. Who knew, but I guess we’ve all gotta get a little religion some time.

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Also, since I enjoy using my blog to pimp other websites, everyone should check out The Internet News. Another blog that instead of trying to originate its own content, links you to a plethora of other entertaining, and occasionally informative sites, and then lets you make fun of them.

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