Lately I've found myself in quite a few elevators and I've noticed that there seem to be a couple of unspoken rules. As with all unspoken rules, one idiot always talks about them -- or even writes them down. Today, that idiot is me.

The rules:

1) When waiting for an elevator, it is common courtesy to spread out as far as possible within the "elevator lobby" area. This prevents the uncomfortable situation of having to acknowledge the other riders' existence.

2) Once the elevator arrives, its every man for himself in a mad-dash to get inside. Normally it would be against human nature to rush to cram ourselves into a relatively small box next to other, smellier people -- but this is a magical box that takes us somewhere.

3) Never ever make eye contact or talk to anyone you might encounter in an elevator that you don't know. You will press your button and then proceed to stare at the screen that tells you what floor you are zooming past.

4) You should go out of your way to lunge in front of others to press the button for your floor. Any attempt to verbally communicate your floor preference to someone who might more easily press the button would violate rule #3 and is therefore strictly forbidden.

4a) If the person standing nearest the buttons is an attractive female, you may casually brush against her breasts as you lunge at the button. She knows better, so it's her own fault.

5) If someone doesn't immediately enter the elevator when it stops at their floor, you may (and are encouraged to) repeatedly press the "close doors" button while pretending to be trying to open the doors. You will yell "oops, sorry" as the doors close in the disappointed individual's face. Once safely past that floor, you and all others within the elevator may share a hearty laugh over this.

There you go, five rules for riding the elevator.

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