Maybe I'm descended from one of those freakishly-disfigured "mole-people" from one of the god-awful Planet of the Apes sequels, but I just don't get the whole "morning" thing. What possesses people to wake up at when the sun is rising? Why must they insist on doing anything, or going anywhere upon doing so? Its harsh, its cruel, its a waste of excellent sleep time.

I blame it all on old people. Like your grandparents. Didn't you ever notice that they're always up at 5am? Old people are somehow responsible for many of the world's problems (not least of which, the continued existence of brussels sprouts), and they do it all to spite the young people. They're jealous of our ability to sleep for twelve or more hours straight.

Via organizations such as the AARP they control the US government, seeking rules that allow them to continue to drive, blind, deaf and at 30 miles per hour. They force companies to open at 8am or earlier -- and they invented the "early-bird special" to rape our breakfast-dealers of their last dollar of pancake-profit. Those evil bastards.

Its a nationwide conspiracy, headquartered in Florida, which leaves us with only one way to reclaim our youthful slumber...

...nuke the old people.

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As always, please click on some of my links before you get out of here.

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