Valentines Day, ahh, Valentines day, the most potent of all of the Hallmark holidays, because this one can determine whether or not you get laid on any given occasion for up to the next year. That is assuming, of course, that you are into that crazy monogamy thing, which many college students aren't, so, perhaps it doesn't matter.

Regardless, Valentines day is an excuse for girls to get all of that mushy crap that they like, while the gents have a pretty straight and narrow path to the straight and narrow path... if you catch my drift. Here is how it works: buy her flowers, and a card, and probably some chocolates. The flowers symbolize your horniness, while the chocolates symbolize the fact that she has been eating like Roseanne Bar lately, and the card is there to distract her while you whip it out.

Now, if she is somehow not sufficiently romanced by those efforts, then you may need to pull out the big guns. Thats right, a box of the finest wine you can buy at Acme for $4.99, and the three-disk set of "Monster Ballads." Make your move while she is busy rocking out to the smooth sounds of Poison and Whitesnake. You will be irresistible.

If that doesn't work, then your woman is obviously a lesbian, in which case, you should see if her best friend is available for a threesome. I mean, you've always got to look on the bright side of these sorts of matters. If she says no to this, then, as nicely as possible, call her a damned dirty dike, then pat your back for using alliteration. Then, kick her out of the back seat of your 1983 4-cylinder Mustang Hatchback and driver to the nearest street corner to pick up a hooker.

Lets not hope it comes to that. I mean, what kind of girl wouldn't be won over by Monster Ballads?

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