SummerBlows.com?

How do you know that you are cool? Its one of those unanswerable questions, you never really know if you are cool. Then again, you can verify your lameness. This verification can come in a few forms: if you don't have any friends, then you are lame; if you spend and ungodly amount of time working on your website, you are lame; if you know everything about any topic (be it sports trivia, comic books, or math), you are fucking lame; and finally, if people you have never met call you gay on the Internet, then your name is Miller, and you are one lame mother-fucker.

Now that I got that off of my chest, I decided to join Melen in invoking the ire of the FBI with a short piece, entitled, How to Commit the Perfect Bank Robbery

The first problem with robbing a bank isn?t procuring a weapon, as most would have you believe. You see, bank tellers are generally pretty stupid people, that is why they aren?t the branch manager; and the manager isn?t too bright himself - why else would he have gotten stuck in a shitty dead-end job. You can also be certain that none of them really give a damn if the bank is robbed or not, FDIC has got the money (and their paychecks) covered. In other words, you can hold up a bank with a sweet potato if that?s all you?ve got - not to mention that when you use a sweet potato, you can eat it to dispose of evidence!

Now that the weapon situation is cleared up, be sure to buy yourself a bottle of Jack Daniels. Old Jack is a criminals best friend; not only will he give you the ?pep-talk? you need to work up the nerve to actually go through with your crime spree, but your incoherent drunken rambling will be sure to strike fear into the bank teller?s heart - especially with your wild brandishing of a deadly yam.

Another consideration is your getaway car. Most robbers would assume that a fast car would be best for this purpose, but fast cars have a few problems; first of all, they are expensive, you haven?t robbed the bank yet, hot-shot, so don?t start thinking big just yet. The other problem is that fast cars are also usually pretty small, and you are going to need somewhere to stash all that stolen ?bread?. At this point I would also like to point out to my readers, that if you ever walk into a bank carrying a yam, and walk out with a bag or bags of wonder bread, robbing it or not, you have some serious issues to deal with. As for the getaway car, I recommend a rusty old 1973 Chevy Astro Van, not just because of the cool name, but because they look really cool with one of those ?if this van?s a rockin? don?t come a knockin?? bumper stickers.

You should also get yourself an accomplice, someone to hold your yam for you in case you don?t hold your Jack very well. You might also consider having an accomplice of the opposite sex; because god knows all that money and excitement will make you want to have some sex, and the whole ?Bonnie and Clyde? deal is plenty kinky to fulfill those great ?sexpectations? (I should be shot for using that word). If you get more than one accomplice, then you will be proud to know that you have officially formed a ?posse,? which allows you to join the vaunted ranks of Jesse James and 50 Cent.

An alibi is always a good idea if you don?t intend on leaving the country. This should be someone sweet and innocent, like your grandmother. Someone that the cops will believe; this means that your buddy Bruno, who ?busts heads? for a living, is probably not your best bet. This person should be willing to tell any story that you need them to; this is why its best to use a grandmother, or another old person, because chances are, they will be senile. Senility is a jackpot for a criminal in need of an alibi, they can?t remember playing canasta with you and your posse the other night, but after a quick visit, you can have them believing it happened in as little time as one commercial break during Wheel of Fortune.

This is pretty much all I know about robbing banks. Sure I?ve never done it before, but don?t you dare accuse me of ?frontin??- I?ve seen plenty of movies on this very subject, and nobody can deny that the pop-culture appeal of hard-core rappers like Nelly and Eminem has exposed me to the ?street-life.? Peace out.

If yout think you did bad on the SATs.. this guy only got 2 right answers...

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