Movies these days are usually swimming with product placement -- subtle forms of advertising that result when a large corporation pays a movie studio to show an actor drinking from a Coca-Cola can, rather than some generic aluminum can with "Cola" painted on the side. Some movies in recent memory have been so entrenched in product placement that the product itself takes over the whole plot of the movie: like "You've Got Mail," for example, a movie that was so horrible that Gene Siskel had a massive heart attack and died after realizing that Forrest Gump himself had sold out.

After seeing "Troy" about a week ago, I have to wonder though, how they managed to film that movie without any product placement. Not a single Greek warrior gets a sudden thirst for some Mountain Dew, or anxiously looks at his Swatch while awaiting the start of battle. Its rare that a movie studio could manage to make a movie of that proportion without even selling out to the most obvious product placement of them all: the Trojan latex condom.

It would have been a whole different movie if Bradd Pitt was interrupted in his sexual advances by the ever-vigilant trojan man and his trusty steed. The studio could pass it off as social responsibility, what with this age of disease and rampant teen pregnancies.

People are sluttier than ever nowadays, and thanks to the Internet, even pansy-ass geeks like that Orlando Bloom can get laid. There are entire websites dedicated to that, in fact. One helpful reminder to those of you who are considering a foray into the world of online "dating" though: always assume the worst. If her ad says that she is "slightly chunky," it means that her ass is big enough to garage a Ford Explorer, which may not be a bad thing if you live in the city, what with the price of parking these days. If she says she is pleasantly plump, or big and beautiful, you better bring a forklift and a dump truck with you to her house, because that economy-sized sedan isn't going to cut it.

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