I'd like to see midget boxing. Every full-sized heavyweight champ could sponsor their own little mini-me to go into the ring an duke it out with each other. The most entertaining part would be that they would all be allowed to keep rusty nails in their gloves. Tetanus would count as a KO. I mean, lockjaw can't be that bad, right?

Then, the Midget boxing champion would compete in a cage match against the champion of the rival monkey kung-fu league. Winner takes all. The prize would be a cigar, a bunch of bananas, and the right to mate with the sexiest chimp in the national zoo in Washington D.C.

Eventually this will become the greatest exploitative national pastime the world has ever seen, since bullfighting, or perhaps even retard-hunting (where the sports motto is, "all of the deaths are accidental... we swear..." Eventually, the finals will leech viewers away from the Superbowl, which will end up on CBS, the network that is "too good" for the low-brow crap that everyone else is willing to bid millions on. "Touched by An Angel"... wow... I still can't believe they thought that was a better idea than naked female tennis...

Nonetheless, I'm naming myself commissioner. I figure that title alone is worth about 50% of the worldwide revenues that can be made off of this sport. Hell, we can even introduce a third round, where the winner of the monkey vs. midget championship faces off against the winner of the Kentucky Derby... fuck the Triple Crown... this is a much better idea.

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