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Wednesday, January 28, 2004  

Today I Present: A Rerun


Posted at 2:03 AM
By: Brian [link]
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Because its too snowy out to write, I present a repeat from the CollegeBlows.com archives



In honor of the ever approaching Fall semester, I thought I would make an effort to return to a college-theme, at least for this one update. This post will no doubt offend a few people -- if so, then it is deserved, probably. I used a very scientific system to choose and rank the items in this cliched top-ten list, the details of which, I cannot reveal. However, you can be assured that these rankings are official and not at all based on personal grudges or a desperate need to fill space.

Number 10:Chemical Engineering - Remember that time you got really drunk and ended up peeing in some weird place? Well a Chemical Engineering major wont. Their only contact with the world outside their dorm room is via the Internet. So far I have established that these folks are weird, but not yet annoying; however ask a ChemE major a simple question related to science, math or engineering -- such as the proper formula for calculating the speed of a falling object -- and you can be assured to receive a response that delves into the depths of quantum physics. Even Stephen Hawking would just give you the goddamned formula and shut up.

Number 9:English - English majors have two major problems, they either think they can read better than everyone else, or they think they can write better than everyone else. The latter is often true, the former however is definitely a point of contention. The English professor engineers their students to believe that they have some sort of secret insight into a work of fiction, perhaps they have divined that Shakespeare was gay, or some equally random discovery. The fact is that most writers probably put less thought into their work than your average English major/professor. Enjoy teaching phonics to 1st graders.

Number 8:Philosophy - The philosophy major's "insights" are a far greater crime to humanity than anything an English major has ever produced. Their aggravating use of words like "epistemology," that nobody understands, and knowledge of such "philosophers" as Sartre and Simone Beauvoir is enough to drive anyone to near insanity. You see, while the rest of humanity neglected to do any reading at all for Philosophy 101, the philosophy major did ALL of the reading - twice, and they liked it. Thankfully, their efforts did not have the "Mikey" effect ("He likes it! Hey, Mikey!"). As painful as it is to hear them speak, it is often entertaining to remember that all of their hard work is going to waste, as nobody outside of college cares who Jeremy Bentham is.

Number 7:Sociology - Clocking in at number seven is something that I'm not even sure is really a major at all. Sociology majors attempt to answer the important life questions, like, "how does the socialization of a golf clubhouse effect gender identity?" Sociology majors take classes in Hip Hop Culture where the final exam is to make a rap video. Remember that really drunk dude who keeps trying to sound profound? - sociology major. This is the stupid, little, bratty sibling of a psychology major; the most annoying thing about them is that they actually get a degree for that bullshit.

Number 6:Dance - Dance Majors were under serious consideration for the #2 spot, but then I was reminded that most dance majors are girls, often quite fetching young lasses too. Dance majors often think that they are actually doing something useful. They think that they are in some way expressing themselves, perhaps they are, but much like abstract art, nobody has got a goddamned clue as to what it is that they are expressing. Most dance majors are girls who never got over wanting to be a ballerina, or guys that liked to check out BaryshnikovÕs package in his leotard. Dance majors are all hoping to "make it big," but who the hell knows what "big" is in the world of dance? Perhaps the Fly Girls?

Number 5:Math - When your all-time hero is "Rain Man," you know you have got some serious problems. Math majors are most annoying because they seem to think that they are "hip" after the success of movies like "A Beautiful Mind" or 1988's "Stand and Deliver" (although Lou "Diamond" Philips was pretty badass in that movie). Math majors need to be constantly reminded that they are in no way cool or interesting people -- nobody cares what the value of pi is to the 500th decimal place, 3.14 will do just nicely thank-you-very-much. Before you take pity on our computative brethren, remember that those among them that don't end up torturing other students with their monotony, will eventually become actuaries Ð the folks that make you pay so damned much for car insurance.

Number 4:Psychology - What leads someone to becoming a psychology major? Nobody will really ever know, but it can be prevented. Take a quick survey of those around you, if any of them saw "Analyze That" -- shoot them. Seriously though, who needs these people getting their Freud on all over the place? Why should I care if I have an "unresolved complex?" I swear I will break a chair over the head of the next person that tells me that I have anything "deep-seeded." A helpful reminder to psych majors: You are not Dr. Phil.

Number 3:Environmental Science - What theoretically is one of the more useful sciences college has to offer, is packed with dirty tree-hugging hippies. That's right, these are the same type of people who get all excited about driving at a top speed of 30mph in their electric powered cars and joining PETA protests over inhumane treatment of zooplankton. Constituting 90% of all the votes received by Ralph Nader in the last Presidential election, these loony tunes make a point of pissing everyone off. Thankfully many of them will die horribly ironic deaths when, on a "nature walk," they are mauled by the very animals they are trying to save.

Number 2:Accounting - What do you major in if you are too boring for the math department? That's right, accounting, the major that allows you to spend hours "balancing" your balance sheet, and recalculating the profit margin with various sets of accounting rules. Invariably, all accounting majors have a poster of Warren Buffet somewhere in their dorm rooms. If you know what EBITDA is, its probably already too late, start packing your bags for the inevitable trip to the "Accounting Hall of Fame."

Number 1:Theatre - This is without a doubt the most annoying major. Consisting primarily of flighty females and flaming males who spend their days prancing around on stage and their nights dreaming of starring in the revival to "Cats." These individuals obviously have a flair for the dramatic -- also obvious is their bright future careers in telemarketing.

Now that I have libeled ten fine college majors, I am confident that the amount of hate mail I receive will increase exponentially. As you all are aware, your importance is directly proportional to the amount of hate mail that you receive, so I guess I'm feelin' mighty important.



---
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