Any Scotch Drinkers in the House?

With school out of session and the summer in full swing, college students across the country, and around the world are faced with the stark realities of life. Those realities amount to the fact that life isn?t a movie ? the girls aren?t nearly as hot in real life, and you need to work during the summer. That?s right, the chicks are uglier, and you are far, far poorer, than in your dreams. Now, if you are female, just replace ?chicks? with ?dudes,? that is, unless you are a lesbian ? in which case, you can e-mail pictures of you and your partner to me at Brian@CollegeBlows.com.

I am sorry for bringing to light the harsh realities of this situation, but I do so, only so that I might provide you with the solution to your problems. That solution is Scotch. Most of you aren?t Scotch drinkers; the benefits of a good, aged, single-malt whisky would be lost on your average college student. I am not asking you to sip it ? I am asking you to chug it.

The benefits of consuming large volumes of Scotch are many. I am sure that by now you have all heard of ?beer goggles,? the phenomenon that makes everyone look so much more attractive, or at least makes you care less about the unattractiveness of your mate. Chugging Scotch will toss the beer-goggles on you in no time, and all of those substandard women, who in real life could never compare to the movie stars and supermodels that you have been conditioned to pop a boner over for your entire life, will now be so astoundingly attractive to you that you will have no choice but to make sweet-sweet, passionate, monkey-love to the first heifer that comes your way. Just make sure you get out of eyeshot before you sober up.

As for how Scotch-chugging will fix your job situation: this one is a far-stickier situation. You see, some of you might have chosen summer jobs where you will actually have to act responsible. Those of you who have done this are idiots, and will have to suffer, as CollegeBlows.com does not, under any circumstances condone the suggested behavior for people who work as lifeguards, camp councilors, or other jobs. For the rest of you, the smart folks who work at Burger King or the local supermarket, Scotch is your best friend. You see, just because you were drinking earlier to make others seem more attractive doesn?t mean that you have to stop drinking. You have until August or even September before you have to go back to school ? why not try to set the record for world?s longest stupor? The side effects of this are that your job, although in actuality remaining constantly shitty, will seem like one heck of a great time, and all of you co-workers are suddenly hotties (see above paragraph). In fact, if you can pull it off, you might not even remember working!!!

So, for all of my fellow college students who are caught in the summer doldrums, remember my advice. Scotch is a panacea for summer boredom; it will make work fun and improve the appearance of any girl you meet.

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