The Post-War Iraq Survival Guide

I know I am nothing but a lowly college student, but perhaps I can lend some guidance to our Iraqi brethren, to help them survive the chaos that has been engulfing their nation’s cities during the past few weeks. It is a matter of the utmost importance that I write about tonight, one that all of the world’s people should absorb, as this may someday become the situation in their own homelands.

The first step to ensuring your survival in any chaotic situation is the firearm stage. Run, don’t walk, to your nearest arms dealer and purchase three or more AK-47’s, that’s one for each hand, and a third one for good measure. The AK-47 is standard equipment, and while it may not be as reliable as a good-old American M16, it sure as hell will get the job done. If you are wondering what to do with your newfound firepower, then you really aren’t very used to this. In the chaotic state of post-bath-party Iraq, a state of lawlessness has overtaken the land, now is your chance to get in on the fiesta; rob someone, kill someone you’ve always hated, don’t want to pay alimony to your wife (or husband)? Shoot her! Its more efficient than any “quickie divorce” you could get on a small Caribbean nation. The lack of law and order will ensure that you remain un-prosecuted even after new leaders take office.

Once your firearm situation is sorted out, you should begin the hording phase. Step two is simpler than you might think, essentially, your goal is to obtain all of the “stuff” that is most in demand. Also consider the potential future value of the items you are hoarding, perhaps collectors items picked up during your crime spree in step one might make you a rich (wo)man once all is said and done. Who know? So rob a few art galleries while you are at it.
One of the most important things to stress at this point is that while you are off looting, murdering, and hoarding, you should remember to keep your firearms pointed in the direction opposite any American troops – they outnumber you, have bigger guns than you, and they are fucking paranoid – don’t give them an excuse. Don’t be a hero; you must never forget that you are in this for your own self-preservation and betterment.

Now that I have forwarded that important reminder on to you, I can continue by explaining step three, the guard dog phase. At this point you should have accumulated a large amount of “loot,” which of course makes you a target for other like-minded individuals to steal from. Remember that there is a finite amount of shit to be stolen in any war-torn country, once the obvious locals are looted dry; your psychotic neighbors might turn on you. To stave off intruders you must turn your home into a bunker that you can defend, possibly with the help of one or more of your wives; remember that you purchased three AK-47’s for a reason.

In the end, you will find however that these precautions truly only serve to make you feel important. They will make you feel safe; just as that single National Guard soldier in the New York City subway station is supposed to make American’s feel safe. The main difference here is that your gun will be loaded, while our hapless subway defender is not only solitary, but also loaded with little more than hopes and dreams. However symbolic his presence is, he is the the reason American’s sleep peacefully at night, providing the same comfort to us, that your neurotic gun-toting crime-spree will provide to you.

Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing about that update as you are... "What the Fuck WAS THAT?"

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