Recently, a good friend of mine who is studying abroad in Rome was attending the ceremony surrounding the Pope's funeral and she bumped into Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, one of the ex-Pope's right-hand men, and I'm sure he offered his left hand as well every so often. As he was walking away, a paper fell out of his briefcase that appeared to be a shortlist of potential successors to the Papal throne. I have done my best to accurately reproduce it here.

President Bush:

Pros: Likes Jesus. Hates all of those nasty abortions and stuff that they do over there. Wants to give government money to churches.

Cons: Likes to kill people.

Mr. Bean:

Pros: Reminds me of John Paul II in that he is very quiet, and mumbles a lot. No need to have a Pope who is too yappy. He's small, so we wouldn't need to buy new pope robes. Also, I think he was a priest in some movie. Mr. Bean would make an excellent Pope.

Cons: I think he's English. Nobody wants an English Pope.

Mel Gibson:

Pros: Da Passion was da bomb-diggity! Honestly, I think Mr. Gibson made the first movie in years that hasn't been considered completely and officially entirely objectionable to the church -- there's gotta be something to that. Plus he likes to wear his hair long, just like Jesus, which is pretty cool, considering that he's kind of like our savior and shit. Oh man, maybe we can make a sequel!

Cons: He's married. Also, he made that other movie, "What Women Want," or something that was supposed to be funny, but it sucked hardcore.

Mayor McCheese:

Pros: He looks great in a hat. He was created Holy Roman Emperor McCheese back in 1965, so there is some precedent to this. As mayor, he boosted support for cheese being added to burger and all-but eliminated the hamburger without cheese (screw those Kosher bastards). I was eating one of his burgers while I watched the Passion, too. It was delicious.

Cons: His large novelty head might not fit through the entrance to St. Peter's Basilica, and it would DEFINITELY stretch out the necks on all of the Pope-robes. We'd have to construct a larger Pope-mobile. Also, he has a really bad track record at keeping the Hamburgler in jail, not that Grimace helped any, that piece of shit, purple turd...

Rosie O'Donnell:

Pros: She is Irish, which is usually a good thing in the Catholic church. Despite being a woman, she seems to look very much like a man, and also is a lesbian, which means she is only one penis away from eligibility. She likes to adopt kids and she's known for being nice to people (at least while the cameras are rolling -- which is long enough).

Cons: She's still a woman, who has not yet stated any wish to grow a penis. Additionally, she is a lesbian, and the church doesn't like those.

Michael Jackson:

Pros: He loves animals and little children. He's black AND white, so everyone should be satisfied with that. He comes from a large family, which means they probably didn't use birth control. In other words, all of the requirements of the papal stamp of approval.

Cons: Uh.... We're not allowed to talk about it, but lets just say that you can't really "transfer" the Pope to a new diocese to avoid bad press.

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Ok, so, Hate mail goes to Hatemail@CollegeBlows.com. Let me get you started with this suggestion, "U insensitive prick! the Ppe wuz a gud man ans U R ridiculing him after his deth? U sic bastard."

Please click on some of my extra good links as you storm away from this site in disgust.

Update 4/19/05:Looks like old Ratz decided to put himself on top of the list. I guess Mayor McCheese wasn't returning his phone calls.

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