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I was out doing my weekly or so shopping, picking up all of the junk food essentials. I had picked up four of the five food groups: Sweet (Cadbury Eggs), Sour (Sour Patch), Salty (Pringles), and Bitter (Beer) and I was just about to pick up the fifth, Soda, when I made a startling discovery...

I squatted down to get a closer look... a bottle of generic soda. There was something special about this bottle though, I could feel it. All the way off in Scotland, thousands of miles from the prickly biohazardous shores of my native New Jersey, I had found it at last. American Cola was the name, and it promised to be a nectar of the Gods an oh-so-sweet (and fizzy) taste of home to remind me of the land of Pabst and Nati Light.

Naturally, I felt it was wise to document as much of the experience as possible.

Upon opening the bottle of "cola," I noticed a peculiar lack of the standard soda "fizz-up" effect, which often results in messy spills. While one might call this a bonus, for me, it was a terrible omen of bad tastes to come. Nonetheless, I felt it was my duty yo continue with the taste testing. Of course, I had nothing handy to compare it to, but I think I know what an American Cola should taste like -- I am an American, you know.

I decided that if I were to do this properly, the next step would be to sniff the cola's "bouquet," which translated to English means a bunch of flowers, BUT those crazy-ass wine tasters also use it to mean "its smell," so that's what I am going for here (stupid wine tasting idiots). So, with every expectation of the smell of sugary paradise awaiting me, I lunged my nose forward to sample the sweet perfume that is American Cola... of course, I ended this test disappointed, it didn't really smell like anything. The best description I can give is that "it smelled like soda." That sort of attitude won't win a soda any points in MY America... minus ten on this test.*

So now we move along, hastily, to the part you have all been waiting for. Personally, I was pretty thirsty, so I was quite happy to get all of that sniffing and fizz-watching out of the way. I held a moment of silence to savor the experience, in a few short seconds I would be diving into my first ever taste of American Cola. Ok, deep breath, then count to three.. 1... 2... No wait, lets make it five, thats more dramatic... 3... 4... 5...

It kind of tasted like Ginger Ale at first, which led me to think, "wait, no, what the fuck?" After which I wondered if the Brits, for some reason thought that Canada Dry Ginger Ale was the taste of American Soft Drinks. Surely they can't be that retarded, I mean, just because their Coca-Cola™ is bottled in France... that doesn't make it less American, right? (Maybe it does...)

Anyway, I inevitably had to take a second taste of this abomination, so I went ahead and took a normal human gulp of it. This time I tasted less Ginger Ale and more "sugar-dissolved-in-water," which, while not fully, or even partially replicating a proper Coca-Cola or Pepsi flavor, still kind of met the requirements for me.

Parting thoughts: For the name they gave it, it sure doesn't taste like any American cola I've ever drank. It basically seems to be fizzy brown pond-water with sugar stirred into it. While it is in no way "good," it is very cheap, and additionally, pretty damn sugary, which leads me to believe that it would mix well with other cheap liquids, like "Russia Brand™ Vodka" or what-have-you.

Here's to science!

*note that at this point I have introduced a scoring system which makes no sense, is not explained, and has no coherency to the rest of the article.

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Click on my links, especially and particularly those "Extra Good" ones. I'll be taking a short "Easter Break" that will carry me through the weekend, but I will be back full force next week.

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