A certain girl told me the startling observation today, that penises are weird. I mean, of all the ways to describe a penis, weird is usually not the first one that comes to mind for me. I mean, for me, a penis is a daily reality, nothing out of the ordinary.

I mean, yeah, it just kind of dangles around down there, but lots of things dangle, like earlobes and stalactites, and nobody ever refers to stalactites as weird. Ok, not counting that fucked up Russian geology professor who counts "weird" among the 12 English words he knows the exact definition of.

If you ask men how they would like to have their penises described, you probably won't hear any of them say "Well, I usually describe it as that weird dangly thing..." No sir, a real man wants to hear his penis described as, "Huge," "Powerful," "Earth-shattering," "Negrolicious," "Donkey Kong," or perhaps even, "Zeus." Names that complement the one thing that every man pretends to be proud of.

Weird just doesn't cut it. I mean, come on now, it is the man's most-used body part, just barely edging out the hand by three trips to the bathroom. We know it well, we know what it likes, it has been our friend longer than anyone else we know. Even though it sometimes doesn't have the most discriminating taste in women, we can still respect it, because, hey, we can relate.

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