Whats in Your Wallet?

Self Deprecating Humor:

Men carry a lot of things in our wallets. It’s amazing what you can find in a man’s wallet. My dad keeps every receipt he had received since 1973 in his wallet, but surprisingly, never any cash – that’s what living in the city too long will do to you, he tries to fool the pickpockets, pull the old switcheroo on them. My wallet is even more of a mess. I have pictures from my junior prom and a picture of my sister. I’ve got a Republican Party Membership card, and I’m not even a republican, I don’t know why I carry it, maybe it will help me get through airport security quicker, “I swear I’m not a terrorist! Look, I’m a republican…” because a republican would never want to destroy this country, a republican terrorist would only want to take out the income tax. Of course I have useless foreign currency, a library card that hasn’t been used in years, my god-awful fake ID, and of course, the male standard, one well aged Trojan condom – ultra ribbed, not just regular ribbed, no-no, I go for the maximum; those puny little standard ribs aren't powerful enough; if they had speedbump-sized ribbed.. I'd probably spring for them - it makes me feel important.

I’m not even sure why I carry a condom in my wallet, I mean if I ever had an opportunity to use it – then it would make sense, but so far, its just getting crusty sitting in there. Really, its purpose is to provide little extra cushion for my ass when I am sitting.

A lot of men complain about women, but the fact is, I am definitely the biggest loser when it comes to women. Most guys complain about women, but they can at least get dates with them, I don’t know a single woman that I am anything but “just friends” with. I don’t get laid, EVER, not even close to laid – my cigar can’t even get laid.

When you consider that, it’s hard to imagine that I’m in college. I mean, we all saw Animal House, right? Or perhaps Road Trip? College is in reality nothing like the movies. If this were a movie, I’d drink much more, and study much less; and I already practically don’t study, but that’s not because of the intensely satisfying college lifestyle – its because I am a lazy fuck, and I just don’t care anymore. I’m so lazy, I’ve changed my major three times in one year, just to try and find an easier one.

Of course laziness leads to procrastination, I leave everything right to the deadline – its not even because I have something better to do, you would be amazed how much time I kill playing video games and surfing the internet for porn. I just don’t want to do the work, so I put it off until I have to do it.

And just to thank Lennon for encouraging me to post this, I'll quote him:

"I've tried it [playing the cool/tough guy]; it convinced me that I was tough and that girls did not like tough guys. This result of course did not prove that either (a) I was tough or (b) that girls don't like tough guys but underscored the idea that (c) i didn't get any girls"

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